Hey baby - week 19

How am I really almost half way through this pregnancy?  It's crazy when I stop to think about it because I know all of the best parts have yet to come!  Some mornings I wake up and have to think for a second if me being pregnant was just a dream.  But then I look down and see a little belly poking out.  Nope, not a dream. 

I don't know how to really describe it, but I really think I had convinced myself that I would never get to experience this again.  I almost truly believed it.  For me, I had to go to that place so that I didn't live each day in constant sorrow dragging my discontentment around.  It was the only way I knew how to deal with the heartache.  It was the only way I could celebrate with others, go to baby showers, not cry every time another pregnancy was announced.  It was so very hard, and oddly it still is some days.

My heart is forever changed.  Even this morning... I took a photo of my tummy looking down because it was so stinkin' cute, but even as I posted it on instagram, I hesitated... and felt a confusing hurt try to creep in my soul as I wondered if that photo would cause pain in another longing momma's heart - a reminder to someone else of something they long for so badly.  And while, deep down inside I know that's not my burden to carry - especially with the road we have walked - I still... can't help but re-visit those painful places sometimes.  Oh, how I wish I could make sense of the hurt in this world.

Anyway,  onto more fun things.  I bought this little guy his first onesie.  The picture says it all... and as soon as I saw it - I grabbed it immediately. :)

These days, this little guy is busy growing... he's around the size of a mango, and should weigh in around 8-9 ounces.  I'll get more details tomorrow because we have a full anatomy scan at the perinatal specialist office.  I should get some more photos too.  smile.

Oh, and here's a 19 week photo for you... the one I mentioned earlier.

I spent some good quality time yesterday with Isaak, we went to the park and ate dinner together and just had a really good time.  It made me so thankful for the last few years that I've had to devote solely to him.  I know that this new life is going to rock his world, and there will probably be some difficult days as he adjusts to not being the complete center of the universe - but at least I can think back to these moments and, be glad - because, even though we went through immense loss in our attempts to complete our family - one of the good things is... I was given 4 years of time with him that didn't have to be shared with anyone else. 

I really feel good - the sickness is now completely gone, the exhaustion really only hits me at the end of the day - and as long as I drink a lot of water - not too many foods bother me.  Like I said, I'm just feeling good. 

In the last week, the movements have picked up a lot.  I went from only feeling them while laying down, to now - here and there throughout the day.  It's such a great reminder, and every single time he kicks, I smile.  I hope that doesn't ever change.

Here's to half way!

Be blessed.