Utterly and joyfully exhuasted...

I had two diet cokes tonight at dinner.  The caffeine from those beverages is probably the only reason why I'm able to coherently write a blog post tonight.  So I'm seizing the opportunity, regardless. 

What a whirlwind life has been over the last 6 weeks.  Two major holidays just passed me by and I feel like I didn't even have a chance to catch my breath.  I really really try (for the most part) not to complain when we hit the hard stuff, but sometimes I just gotta call it real.  So I will.  It will be jumbled, and most likely not well thought out - but the overall message being that I am tired, life is hard, but I'm doing it, and will learn to do it with joy!

Judester has just been through the ringer.  And in turn, as his momma, I get the immediate 'aftershock' effects if that makes sense.  We have been to the doctor every 10 days for the last 6 weeks.  Viral infection followed by a lovely dose of hand foot & mouth disease.  We got a week to breathe and catch up on sleep when he got RSV followed by a double ear infection.  Just as he seemed to start turning the corner 3 teeth decided to make their appearance - and let me just tell you that this kiddo does not take to teething well. Whew.  And you'd think that'd be enough right? Nope.  The worst was yet to come.  Another virus hit right as we were making huge preparations to spend our Christmas in Tulsa with Amick's family.  Except this virus caused him to get croup which his teeny little airways couldn't handle - and that landed us smack in the hospital for 2 days where he spent his first birthday.  I am just now coming out of the fog of that week from you know where, and I am pleading and praying with everything in me that he can get a break from all the illness.  We had to postpone his first birthday party and cancel our Christmas trip to Tulsa.  Needless to say, we've been a little down the past week or so.

All this is going on with Jude, and wouldn't you know it - life doesn't stop just because a kid gets sick.  Isaak still runs at full speed every day complete with school, class parties, church and the every day life of a 5 year old.  I try so desperately to keep up and stay awake enough to be for him what he needs.

Amick is slammed with work (which is a good thing), so I find myself taking on even more to give him a break so he can focus on what he needs to during the day.

ALL THE WHILE, the weeks of this pregnancy are zooming by.  I look down today at a belly measuring 31 weeks, and I can't believe I'm already at this point.  This growing baby boy has taken a toll on me - as far as physical exhaustion goes - but health wise I'm doing much better than I was at this point with Jude.

But, can I just tell you that I am so very tired!  And even as I type that it doesn't accurately describe just how tired I really am.  Jude DOES NOT sleep when he's sick, and so neither do I, not to mention he's one of those kids who doesn't have a desire to ever sleep through the night.  And, like I said before, I usually try to keep the complaining to myself, but tonight I'm stating facts.  FACT:  I'M FREAKING TIRED.

Things that would normally consume my time are non-existent, and it is a flat out gift from God that I'm able to be home right now instead of pulling 40 hour work weeks in addition to all this.  So thank you, thank you, thank you God.  I have all these desires to be so much more right now...  To be a better wife, a perfect mom, a good friend, a cute pregnant lady, a social butterfly, an event planner, a more present blogger,  etc etc etc.   But here's another fact for you.  I CAN'T DO IT ALL.  I JUST CAN'T.  And it took a good huge awful cry and somewhat of a breakdown a week or so ago for me to let it go and be okay with who I am able to be right now.  Some good friends spent time encouraging us the other night and the word 'freedom' kept coming back to the surface.  A word that I need to let overtake me right now. 

Freedom to enjoy things just as they are:  messy house, sick kids, no makeup days, and lots of fast food.
Freedom to say 'no' the burdens I am not supposed to carry.
Freedom to say 'yes' to those who want to help us when our burdens get too heavy.
Freedom to own my roles in the home as a wife and a mom and let them have the priority they deserve.
Freedom to be the best friend I can be, but to be okay with saying goodbye to the expectation trap.
Freedom to let things go.
Freedom to let people go.
Just freedom to be me.

I have such a tendency to people-please, that I often forget to take care of myself as well.  I need to love myself.  I need to rest myself.  I need to BE myself.  How easy it is to lose sight of that.  I'm 31 years old.  I work in my home to raise my children, and I do the best I can.  No I can't keep up with everyone else, but I'm proud of the job I'm doing.  I'm pregnant, 31 weeks to be exact, and I love it.  I went through a hell of a lot to get to this point, and I'm enjoying it.  all of it. every day of it.  the miracle of it.  I have two beautiful boys, they make life complete and hard all at the same time, but they are my life - and I fail them - but I love them - and it's all good.  I have a wonderful husband, who is sometimes crazy, but he's crazy in love with me and it makes it all worth it.  He works from home, and it's amazing - and stressful - and I wouldn't trade it for anything.  We have tremendous friends and family, who give of themselves for us, who cook for us, intercede for us, do life with us - forgive us, accept us, accept me - love me, get me - don't judge me, and genuinely want the best for me. 

See how the list goes on - we have our eyes so fixed on this prize of being 'selfless' that we lose our'self' in the process.  Jesus, don't let me lose sight of myself.  And I don't mean that in a self-centered way, I mean it in a healthy way - that I have to recognize the physical, emotional and spiritual needs that must be met in order for me to be who I am called to be.

I am headed into a year that will most likely go down in history as the most rewarding yet EXHAUSTING of my life.  And in and of myself I will fail, miserably and will end up depressed again.  So I am - with everything in me - desperately seeking another road to this journey.  A road of self-acceptance, of God-dependence, and full reliance on His strength, so that - when these days come and go, the stinking hard ones and the good ones - that I can look back and see footprints marked with JOY.  That, my friends is the desire of my heart. 

...and as my eyes want to close right now - I will close with that thought and gladly take in some rest that this very very very tired girl needs.

Be blessed.